Advice

Don’t take any wooden nickels.  Never play cards with a man named “Doc.”  Close cover before striking.  Do not consume the desiccant.  

Back up your work regularly; even more importantly, back up the work of your rivals in the office and call it your own.

Never give a sucker an even break; never give a breaker an uneven suck.

Don’t drink and drive; drinking then driving, though, is fine.

Wait at least half an hour after eating before swimming; wait at least a week after eating at McDonald’s for your bowels to move properly again.

If you see something, say something; if you don’t see anything, then maybe you should get glasses.

Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do unless you’re not me.

Brush after every meal; your teeth, Fool, not your hair!

Consuming raw or undercooked eggs can be dangerous; consuming them with their shells on will be worse.

Keep your options open; make sure your fly is closed.

No one, on their deathbed, ever said, “I wish I’d spent more time at the office,” except, of course, the actors in the sitcom “The Office.”

If you want to live a long and happy life, make sure you don’t die young.

If you do want to die young, it’s too late!  Sorry.

Always plan to arrive at the airport at least 90 minutes before your flight; it’s not a bad idea to do so a day in advance, just to be on the safe side.

Don’t count your chickens before they cross the road.

Be the person your dog thinks you are, unless you have a chihuahua; those dogs are terrible judges of character.

Measure twice, cut once, swear loudly three times because you still fucked it up.

If you do what you love, you’ll never work a day in your life; the same result can also be achieved by getting a degree in Philosophy.

Don’t take my advice; don’t take anyone’s advice, don’t listen to me.