Pretzels don’t cut it anymore. Neither do mere Flaming Hot Cheetos. Not even Cajun Squirrel flavored potato chips.
Nowadays, snacks and snack flavors have got to be bold! Disruptive! Exasperating!
My peanut butter filled pretzel bites have got to be filled with toe jam cheese at the very least; even better should they contain the macerated remains of angel tongues.
Five Hour Energy Taco John’s Hot Sauce is actually a thing; that’s a good start. Now get me some Fentanyl Flavored Ducolax Hershey’s Chocolate Kit-Kat Suppositories, stat!
In the realm of healthy snacks, like trail mix or raisins, isn’t it time for something like Super-Crunchy Almond and Caviar Ortolan Bites? I’m sure those would go over well in the first-class sections of international flights.
And soft drink flavors are boring; the best the pros have been able to come up with so far is Cucumber Sprite; heck, Dr. Brown was doing celery soda in the mid 20th century. We need vision in the soda realm: bring me Anal Sweat Cherry Coke and Bean Fart Dr. Pepper!
We should look to history for inspiration; the internet tell us that on the Lewis and Clark Expedition each member of the Corps of Discovery ate up to nine pounds of meat each day; with that in mind, isn’t it time for Bison and Deer Meat Ding-Dongs? Or how about Mini-Frosted Elk Glands? Pickles and Buffalo Hide Popsicles?
People used to sprinkle ambergris, the intestinal slurry of a sperm whale, on their morning eggs; I think we can top that. Let’s fill our spice shakers with Snot-Infused Grated Courtesan Toenail Clippings; yum!
Pizza flavoring has certainly had its day; the current apotheosis may be Tostino’s Pizza Cinnamon Crunch breakfast cereal. But that’s just a start. I propose an all-day snack that turns things around: Captain Crunch and Lucky Charm Marshmallow Pizza Squares. Now you’re talking; now you’re snackin’!
Bring me a bowl of them with a side of Pepto-Bismol Dorito Chips!