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(One day later):
Patient: Say, Doc, I had a question about…
Doc: Please hold for our next available representative. Due to higher-than-normal call volumes, your wait may be…one hundred…minutes.
(Two hours later):
Doc: We’re sorry, all representatives are currently busy. Please call back later. BEEP.
(Three months later, at the office visit):
Patient: Say, Doc, I had a question about…
Doc: I’m sorry, I’m not a doctor; I’m a lab technician. The doctor will be with you later.
(Fifteen minutes later):
Patient: Say, Doc, I had a question about…
Doc: I’m sorry, I’m not a doctor. I’m a nurse practitioner. The doctor is out today.
(Six months later):
Patient: Say, Doc, I had a question about…
Doc: I’m sorry, I can’t answer any questions outside of those related to the annual check-up. You’ll have to schedule another appointment with me to discuss.
(Three months later):
Patient: Say, Doc, I had a question about…
Doc: I’m sorry, I’m not your regular doctor. They are out of the office today; you’ll have to follow up with them directly.
(Three months later):
Patient: Say, Doc, I had a question about…
Doc: Your regular doctor has tested positive for Covid. I’m just filling in, so you’ll to schedule another appointment.
(Two months later):
Patient: Say, Doc, I had a question about…
Doc: This letter is to inform you that your regular physician is no longer employed by this health maintenance organization. Their patients are being transferred to a new physician. To schedule an appointment, please contact us during regular business hours.
(Three months later):
Patient: Say, Doc, I had a question about…
Doc: Further study has shown that the drug in question has terrible side effects, is carcinogenic, and doesn’t really do what it was advertised to do.
(Two weeks later):
Doc: I’m calling to answer the patient’s questions about…
Patient: Deceased.