Ask

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(One day later):

Patient: Say, Doc, I had a question about…

Doc: Please hold for our next available representative.  Due to higher-than-normal call volumes, your wait may be…one hundred…minutes.

(Two hours later):

Doc: We’re sorry, all representatives are currently busy.  Please call back later.  BEEP.

(Three months later, at the office visit):

Patient: Say, Doc, I had a question about…

Doc: I’m sorry, I’m not a doctor; I’m a lab technician.  The doctor will be with you later.

(Fifteen minutes later):

Patient: Say, Doc, I had a question about…

Doc: I’m sorry, I’m not a doctor.  I’m a nurse practitioner.  The doctor is out today.

(Six months later):

Patient: Say, Doc, I had a question about…

Doc: I’m sorry, I can’t answer any questions outside of those related to the annual check-up. You’ll have to schedule another appointment with me to discuss.

(Three months later):

Patient: Say, Doc, I had a question about…

Doc: I’m sorry, I’m not your regular doctor.  They are out of the office today; you’ll have to follow up with them directly.

(Three months later):

Patient: Say, Doc, I had a question about…

Doc: Your regular doctor has tested positive for Covid.  I’m just filling in, so you’ll to schedule another appointment.

(Two months later):

Patient: Say, Doc, I had a question about…

Doc: This letter is to inform you that your regular physician is no longer employed by this health maintenance organization.  Their patients are being transferred to a new physician.  To schedule an appointment, please contact us during regular business hours.

(Three months later):

Patient: Say, Doc, I had a question about…

Doc: Further study has shown that the drug in question has terrible side effects, is carcinogenic, and doesn’t really do what it was advertised to do.

(Two weeks later):

Doc: I’m calling to answer the patient’s questions about…

Patient: Deceased.